Where did she go?

Where did she go? This girl. She was fun-loving, free-spirited, care-free. She had the whole world in her hand and her whole life ahead of her. Where did she go? I've been asking myself that a lot lately. Yes, this is me. When I was thinner. Happier, or so I thought. Before my spiral into a darker place. Before my life changed and I couldn't seem to break free from the chains that continue to grip me to this day. This is 1997. El Cajon, California. My mother took this picture. She was staying with me while my then husband was deployed. This was before my illness really got the best of me. 

I miss the days of being healthier, more flexible, able to move easier. I miss being that 20-something person. With my whole life ahead of me. I miss the person I used to be and wish I could get her back. Sure, there are things I would not take back like the cheating during my first marriage. Would God have blessed me with a healthy baby in that case? I don't know. His plans are His afterall, and the miscarriage happened for a reason that only He knows. 

 Where did she go? This girl of 18. Fresh out of high school. Celebrating with family and friends her achievement and theirs. This was a celebration not just of my graduation but of my cousin and a family friend as well. My cousin graduated from college. Their friend from high school. All in the same year. Wow! Look at how thin I was. Was I happy here. It would appear that I was. Deep down the illness was lurking. Sure, I had little dealings with it from time to time. But I didn't know what it was. I had never been diagnosed with anything. I just thought it was moodiness. Teenage angst. That sort of thing. I think my parents did too.

This 18-year-old wanted to go to college. She wanted to get married someday, have a family. She wanted the dream. She didn't realize that less than a year later she would be married. But part of her dream would be shattered. Instead of college, she joined the Navy and put college on hold to save that marriage. This picture was taken in 1990. She joined the Navy in 1992.

Oceanside Beach, California. Gidget was filmed here! I loved that show, even though it was reruns by the time I saw it on television. Too bad I didn't grow up in that time. I probably would have had more fun. Ever do one of those "What era do you belong in" tests on Facebook? I did recently. It said the 1930s. Ha!! I don't know about that one. LOL. This is me while I was in the Navy, sometime early 1995 I'd say. Still pretty fit, though I had put on a little weight. I sustained a back injury approximately 1 1/2 years prior, so my exercise routine went downhill. I wish I could get this figure back. I felt healthiest around this time. Somewhere around 130 lbs. Now, I'm about 100 more than that. The back injury through the years has gone unchecked and caused more problems. This was also pre-pregnancy. I digress...

Ok, I don't write this to bring you down. I am reflecting on who I was once upon a time. Not to say I am not happy now. Could I be happier? Absolutely! I think we all could be happier at times. I write this to share with you about the invisible disabilities some face, like myself. I am a disabled veteran. My disabilities are not visible to anyone who looks at me. I have some mobility issues, but do not walk with a cane or need to use a chair (yet, and hope don't ever have to). The biggest disability for me is PTSD and Depression. I am not a combat veteran. So how do I claim to have PTSD, you might ask? There are other factors that can cause trauma to military personnel besides combat and I happen to fall into that category of "other." I deal with my invisible disabilities every day. I put a smile on my face and try not to let my pain show. Much like in the pictures above. You see, in two of those pictures, that trauma had already happened.

This is me now...taken in February 2019 at Epcot.