Life With Jules, and other stuff

How can you fall in love with someone you barely know after only a few days? It's a question I've asked myself a lot through the years. I don't think I've ever really taken the time to get to know someone before telling him "I love you." I just jumped in, heart first-head last. That always seemed to cause me problems in relationships and they never lasted long.  I long for a lasting love. The kind that leads from friendship to marriage. The kind that no matter what, we'll always be there for each other. Is it possible to have that kind of love? I believe it is so long as God is at the center; Jesus has to be the foundation.  No matter the distance, this love can endure. No matter the situation, this love will overcome.

Where did she go? This girl. She was fun-loving, free-spirited, care-free. She had the whole world in her hand and her whole life ahead of her. Where did she go? I've been asking myself that a lot lately. Yes, this is me. When I was thinner. Happier, or so I thought. Before my spiral into a darker place. Before my life changed and I couldn't seem to break free from the chains that continue to grip me to this day. This is 1997. El Cajon, California. My mother took this picture. She was staying with me while my then husband was deployed. This was before my illness really got the best of me.  I miss the days of being healthier, more flexible, able to move easier. I miss being that 20-something person. With my whole life ahead of me. I miss the person I used to be and wish I could get her back. Sure, there are things I would not take back like the cheating during my first marriage. Would God have blessed me with a healthy baby in that case? I don't know. His plans are Hi

I find myself looking for meaning. Meaning in decisions I've made. Meaning in decisions I want to make. Even meaning in decisions I don't want to make. The one thing I can't seem to find meaning in is love. Maybe it is because of things that people don't see in me when they look at me that I don't make the right decisions in life and love. Or at least haven't. Am I too impulsive? Am I just wanting affirmation that much? Maybe, maybe not. One thing I do know the meaning of is what I feel inside; what others cannot see.  Several years ago I wrote this: What You Don't See (March 1, 2015) You see the smile on my face and assume that I am alright.             What you don't see is that I am dying inside.  You see me happy and full of life.             What you don't see is the deep unhappiness I feel. You see me out and about doing daily things.             What you don't see is how bad I want to crawl into a hole and hide. You see

From time to time I think about my life. I look back on decisions I made. I look back on people I chose to have in my life and wonder why. What drew me to that person? They don't really fit the ideal of "my person," but who is "my person" anyway? So, I came up with a list of characteristics that I would like in "my person:" Characteristics (May 23, 2013; Updated April 20, 2020) God-fearing God-loving Caring Loving Loyal Compassionate Compromising Dependable Intelligent Adventurous Fun Creative Christian Nurturing Appreciative Respectful Best Friend Well groomed (maybe a bit selfish on this one) Committed - wants life long marriage Takes my needs into consideration as I would his Not a player Not controlling Not possessive Able to hold a conversation on any topic Not jealous Doesn't anger easily Loves me as I am as I would him Makes me laugh out loud Will just allow me to be in his ar

Michael Shawn Hayes, July 2012 ©Julie Hayes I think I'm like my dad. I like to dream about things. I like to think about things I want to do, places I want to go, people I'd like to meet. I dream big sometimes. I was looking through my Facebook this past week. You know, the stuff that I like: movies, books, people, etc. Revising it. Removing things. Cleaning it up a bit. I came across a few Notes that I posted several years ago. My Bucket List being one. I thought I'd "freshen it up" a bit and post it here. I have posted the original first with the refreshed version following. Bucket List (July 30, 2013) Cruise Caribbean Bahamas Travel across Canada France England Germany Mediterranean Iraq Israel Earn Doctorate of Philosophy in History Publish a book Publish in another academic journal Marry again - FOR KEEPS Buy a home Lose 100 lbs Spend a couple weeks in the Florida Keys Spend a couple weeks exploring the Rockies

Or are they? My day job sometimes gets the best of me. I'm a job coach. I work with veterans and help them become "job ready," if you will. I teach them how to prepare for a job outside of the military. Resume writing, what to expect in an interview, how to present themselves, and so on. I even help them become better and more effective at job searching. That's where these sometimes unsettling thoughts come into my mind. Did I do the right thing in college? Did I choose the right major? Did I do my "experiential learning" (internship) correctly? Ideally, theoretically, I should be working for the State Department. Seriously! As incredulous as it sounds! I remember in-processing with the Navy and them damn near insisting I go into intelligence and become an interpreter. Guess what language choices they were giving me? Russian and Arabic! I would have jumped all over that had I not been a 19 year old married girl not wanting to spend 2 anniversaries aw

I'm an historian. I'm an historian not just by what's on a piece of paper from a university I attended. No, I fell in love with history at a young age. I cannot pinpoint when exactly this happened. Maybe it was grammar school when we learned about the pilgrims at Thanksgiving. Or maybe in Sunday school learning about Jesus and his time. All I know is I wanted to know more. In high school, I especially enjoyed world history, learning about the early civilizations. Mesopotamia, Byzantium, Greece, Rome, even early Europe and Prussia. At university, I began my studies in Middle East studies. More of an Interdisciplinary Humanities degree that I had to create myself. I was able to incorporate some of my varied interests into the degree such as Byzantine Art, Philosophy, and such. I even took a year of Arabic after completing my French language requirement. Thus earning my Bachelor's degree from Michigan State University.  I completed my

Life has been crazy the last few weeks. I am in my 4th week of working from home; both jobs. I'm not enjoying it for my full time job because I enjoy interacting with my veterans. It's so much easier to coach them in their job search in person. I'm feeling indifferent about online teaching. I really miss my students and it hit me hard last night. Summer term starts on my birthday this year, which is fine. However, all classes will be online for the summer. Plus side, I have freedom in creating my assignment schedule. I guess I'll be using Zoom a bit more this year. 🤔 Crushes come and go, but I am going to be 48 years old next month. I really should have outgrown celebrity crushes by now. Alas, I have not. Binge watching Homeland, I have developed a crush on two different actors from the show: the man who played Brody (now on Billions) and the man who plays Yevgeny. I'm done! I don't care that he's really Russian. I don't care if he's younger than me

My cat desperately tries to get into my room and away from my friend who lives with me. No, he doesn't hurt her or anything. He's actually very loving toward her. He also happens to be a big guy. I think that kind of scares her sometimes. Or maybe she's just playing a game. Whatever the case, she's driving me crazy. Cra-cra? Is that the term kids are still using these days? Love my Sandy to bits. I do hope she's not too overly traumatized when I can finally go back to my office...whenever that may be. Speaking of... The world has gone completely mad! Yes, I said it. And I am sure many of you have as well. Or at least thought it. This virus going around is so very bad. So very contagious. People think they're invincible. Especially the young because we are being told by the media that they don't seem to have the severe symptoms of this virus. What many don't understand is the nature of this virus. Even the medical professionals don't quite